The Saddest Cupcake

I was at Walmart today, and I found this:

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I was craving cake, and I like pineapple upside down cake, so I decided to give it a try.

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It is not cost effective to make this product more flavorful, so they suggest adding tasty things to mask the fact that you will soon be eating an instant cupcake that has been baked in the microwave.
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I made the mistake of licking the spoon after stirring in the water.  I ended up with a fine coating of waxy shortening all over my molars.
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My mug seems strangely distressed through the door of the microwave.
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It took three attempts to get the spoon through the rubbery surface of the cake.  The first bite tasted like licking the sole of a boot that had trod on a vanilla cupcake.  Those flakes of pineapple that are on the box were notably absent from my first bite.
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The pineapple chunks pictured on the box were actually pineapple flavored chips, all of which clustered together in the bottom of the mug.  It took six bites to consume the whole cake.  Of those bites, one had a lovely pineapple taste, one tasted vaguely of pineapple, the other four tasted like a rubber band that had been dipped in vanilla cake batter.

The final verdict:

Price: $2.50 per box.

Ease of preparation: Easier than easy.  It involved nothing more than opening a packet, adding three tablespoons of water, and stirring.

Time: It took about 3.5 minutes from start to finish.  30 seconds to read the instructions, 30 seconds to add the water, 30 seconds to stir, 1 minute 10 seconds in the microwave.

Flavor: Meh.  Boxed vanilla cake with fleeting hints of pineapple, undertones of rubber, imitation vanilla flavoring, and a slight chemical leavener aftertaste.  The box claims that it contains no artificial ingredients, and I believe them, but there is a difference between a fresh baked cake made with real chunks of pineapple and one that’s made with a variety of ingredients designed to emulate the flavor and appearance of pineapple.  This cake is definitely falls into the realm of the latter.

Texture: Soggy and slightly rubbery.

I’m trying to think of a sadder cupcake than this one.  Surely, the absence of cake would be sadder.  The cake served at the funeral dinner of a beloved grandparent would be a close second.  And then there’s this one.  Its flavor wasn’t wholly unpleasant, but it did taste rather artificial.  I am curious to see if adding pineapple and orange juice would improve it.

Update: I made another cupcake with orange juice instead of water. It tasted leaps and bounds better, but somehow the orange juice obliterated the flavor of the pineapple and made the whole cake taste sickly sweet.

 

 

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